Inlaw-Outlaw: Marriage - Let it not be a tragedy of errors!

Inlaw-Outlaw: Marriage - Let it not be a tragedy of errors!: I have often asked to friends and acquaintances, why do people marry? And have got responses that range from wild to weird to funny to serio...

Inlaw-Outlaw: … till Divorce does us Apart!!

Inlaw-Outlaw: … till Divorce does us Apart!!: After taking a sabbatical from practice for over 3 years, I decided to write a blog! After publishing my first post, I got numerous emails f...

Inlaw-Outlaw: Coping with the After Effects of the Divorce Mammo...

Inlaw-Outlaw: Coping with the After Effects of the Divorce Mammo...: Coping with the After Effects of the Divorce Mammoth One topic that everybody seems to know about is… Divorce. Every person thinks and fe...

Coping with the After Effects of the Divorce Mammoth

One topic that everybody seems to know about is… Divorce. Every person thinks and feels that they know all about Divorce. Often people are full of advices and information about what someone should do, how they should react and behave and how the process works. Surprisingly, the reality is often very different. Each case of divorce is unique with different set of circumstances and instances which cannot be straightaway compared to any other case. The potential for people to be caught out when splitting up by trusting in what they have heard is immense because of incorrect terms in the divorce process that are debated around, changes to the law and misinformation.

Divorce should only be considered when the pros of staying alone outweigh the cons of staying together.

When divorce actually happens, the reality is quite different than we expect. Some people are relieved that it is all over! Most of us are lost and confused and can’t decide how to tackle life now after divorce. Mental health experts say the trauma that Divorce or separation causes is comparable to grieving the death of a loved one. Hence I wish to guide the couples by way of a 10 point strategy to fade away your blues.

10 Positive Mantras to Cope with the After Effects of Divorce:

a. Don’t Be Too Scared to Start Life Afresh:

Although divorce is a major change in life that can leave a person in distress. If being alone is a scarier thought than by staying in a broken marriage, you're letting fear make your decisions. Being on your own to deal with issues such as children, money, career changes and downsizing the family home can seem devastating. Most of us feel a little sceptical and scared to start life afresh. It is normal to feel apprehensive after divorce. Anxiety is more when kids are involved. Time will heal the deep wounds. We should not hesitate to look into life with a new dimension, stop worrying and start living.

b. Face the Mixed Emotions with Courage:

Romantic relationships begin on a high note of excitement and hope for the future. When these relationships fail, we experience profound grief, setback and stress. While you may know that the divorce was for the best, you may find that some days you hate your ex - spouse, and, surprisingly, other days you miss him/her. You may wonder why you feel any fondness for someone you are divorcing. It is perfectly normal, and most divorced people report these mixed emotions. Do not escape from these thoughts .Face them and it will help you feel better and recover faster.

c. Accept your Divorce:

Don’t die of guilt. No relationship is perfect. A divorce or breakup is painful because it represents the loss, not just of the relationship, but also of shared dreams and commitments. Remember that it is always better to be alone than in bad company. The portion that rots has to be chopped off. One does feel incomplete at times but with time adjusts with the situation and is happy to be alive and free of that unsuccessful and futile relationship. With you accepting the fact that you are divorced now it is the time to jumpstart your life! When you accept the situation life has put you into you will be able to plan out what you would do next. Doing so will help you and your children deal with the ill-fated event as fast as possible.

d. Move On with Life:

Sooner or later you will realize that, life is fast moving on. There comes a time when you ought to accept the fact and say, "I've got to get on with my life, I've got to get my career on fast track, I’ve got to get on with raising my children, I've got to get on with putting things together where I can be a happy, productive and at peace with myself ." Find a way to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

e. Free your Mind and the Rest will Follow:

Stop burdening yourself with statements that leave a strong negative impact on yourself like: “My life is finished," "Things are terribly ugly with me" and “I’ve lost everything". Recognize that it's factually not true. Negative thinking brings negative vibes with it. Be practical and realistic. 

Divorce happened to you because you did not deserve to be in a terrible relationship that ruined your soul and deeply affected your overall well-being as a human being. Your life isn't finished; it's just a new phase in your life and a new beginning for you.

Changing the negative tapes that run in your head can change how you physically as well as psychologically feel. Find a way to drain- out all the negative emotions that stem from the divorce to more productive means. Channelize all your energy in a sport or a new hobby. Do deep breathing exercises i.e. meditation and yoga. Yoga is a great mind and body workout. Yoga has great healing potential which helps you to focus on your inner self and introspect.

f. Talk to your Kids:

Often parents keep their children out of divorce process. Generally they are too busy coping with the trauma themselves that they overlook the impact of divorce on their children. Divorce can be deeply devastating on children’s tender minds. Sheltering them from the situation will not help them at all. If children are not involved and counselled on time these wounds will deepen with time. They have the right to know what is going on; they should be able to express what they're feeling, and how things will get better. If they know there are things they can do to help this transition, it will give them a feeling of power. Make sure that you explain everything to them and that you answer any question that they may have. You may need to sugar coat things a little bit, but see to it that you remain as honest as possible.

g. Plan your Finances:

Make sure to carry out a systematic assessment of your financial resources like properties, investments, assets and bank balance. Now decide what your options are in terms of housing, job and finances. It is imperative that you get financial advice during the divorce process to ensure that you maximise your assets and to ensure that you are able to manage after the divorce.

h. Do not Hesitate to Ask for Help and Join a Support Group for Divorced Men and Women:

There is no single strategy to simplify the pain and loss that divorce brings. Most often when people are asked how best to survive the effects of divorce, majority say this: We are counting on a great a support network.

Realize that you're not the first person to go through this. Finding support is not just for women. While coping with divorce, women tend to seek and find support rather easily, despite having equally strong emotional needs; men are more likely to hesitate to reach out to others for help.


 You can also hasten the recovery process for you and your children by joining a support group that comprises of people who have undergone the same situation. Most of the time, knowing that there are people who are feeling the same sentiments will help lend a sense of normalcy to what feels like a changed life. If there are no such groups in your area, then use the internet to join different groups that will accomplish the same purpose.

 

i. Redefine a New Relationship with your ex for the Benefit of your Children:

 I know it is difficult and rather challenging to come over your old relationship as husband and wife and working out towards building a new relationship as common buddies of your children and for the sake of your children. Impartially try to evaluate your present relationship with your former spouse. How often does he/she plan to see your kids? Will you be cutting all ties or maintaining a healthy relationship with him/her? Your co-operation with your former spouse will surely help in creation of new memories with your children. These memories will imbibe confidence in their lost self-esteem. Your positive support will develop and strengthen their personality and make them a better individual.

j. Think about Securing your Entire Future:

Last but not the least, try and do everything to habituate yourself to enhance further growth and success. For this, self- introspection is necessary in order to identify both your innate strengths and shortcomings and fine-tune yourself to move forward in a new and positive direction.

 

Remember, you will help channelize only those results that you think are most probably achievable. If you genuinely feel that you can change the outlook of your life, and the consequences of post-divorce scenario, you will surely be able to come out of the blues as soon as possible.

 

Every divorcee seeks new challenges and wants to come out with flying colours in life. Therefore, all of us who are caught in the web of leading the life of a divorcee need to be emotionally calm, true to ourselves and be compassionate enough with ourselves just as we are with our children and closest friends and relatives. It would be of great help to us if we change our environment for the better and surround ourselves with synergised people. This can not only beautify our lives, it can also widen our horizons, giving an in- depth meaning to our lives which in turn would help us discover the beautiful, powerful, and exceptional person that we truly are.

… till Divorce does us Apart!!

After taking a sabbatical from practice for over 3 years, I decided to write a blog! After publishing my first post, I got numerous emails from people asking me for advice and even counselled 7 couples. While most cases got resolved, one case sees an imminent divorce despite my team and me trying our best to make the couple reconcile!

It made me sad as the couple have barely been married for a few months!! And is my concern and inspiration for this post!!

While India continues to have one of the lowest divorce rate in the world (1.1% as per the last known statistics - http://www.edivorcepapers.com/divorce-statistics/divorce-statistics-in-india.html), the rate of divorce is zooming!! Take a while to ponder over this people:

• Statistics from the family court in Pune show that there has been a 45% rise in divorce by mutual consent in the past five years from 2005 to 2010
• Agro based states like Punjab and Haryana are now seeing an increase of 150% of divorce rate since the last decade.
• Kerala, known to be the most literate state has experienced an increase of divorce rate by 350% in the last 10 years.
• Bangalore, a very hi-tech city in India, experienced that the divorce rate tripled in 4 years.
• Delhi, the capital city of India, witnessed that the divorce rate doubled in five years.

Based on the above, will it be safe to say that divorce is normal and has come of age in India?

A nation where marriages have been regarded as a sacrament, the seeds of fast developing divorce trend have been sown and are deep rooted and sadly, difficult to unearth. This fast catching up trend in India is of great concern because if not addressed at the right time and right counselling and guidance is not provided with appropriate mechanisms then India will outnumber all other nations including USA in increasing divorce rate.

Have a look at this statement; I came across in an article by James P. Cunningham:

“For the first time in human history, divorce has replaced death as the most common endpoint of marriage.”

[http://www.michbar.org/journal/article.cfm?articleID=659&volumeID=51]

So the newest marital vow and it’s 21st century avatar is: “We will live together happily ever after… till divorce does us apart.”

What is more surprising is the fact that where are we as a nation of billion youth brigade heading towards????? Why are we aping the west in the culture that has ruined the lives of millions of people across globe? If divorce is good to the civilization at large then let all the married folks make their New Year resolution to seek divorce? Today’s super tech savvy "IPhone/IPad/smart phone generation" do not have the time, energy and patience required to mend a broken relationship. They do not want to sit and resolve their differences. All they want is an instant gratification of their highly pent up emotions.

The rate of reconciliation in India between couples filing for divorce under the mutual consent clause is as little as 3-4 per cent, In other divorce cases, it is 16-18 per cent!!

In those pressing times divorce seems easier for them then reconciliation and if it is as simpler and easier as touching their IPhones and IPads touch screens, then nothing like it!!! Reconciliation of a relationship that has scope of survival generally involves a little bit of compromise i.e. ego shedding to be more precise from both the parties.

"With women becoming economically independent, male dominance in a marriage has decreased. Economic independence of the wife is leading to ego clashes. Either or both parties feel mentally tortured and file for divorce," said Justice Arunava Barua of Calcutta High Court, an expert on gender justice. Justice Barua pointed out that another reason for divorce is the alarming rise in extramarital affairs, "We are actually getting a plethora of cases where love triangles are a basis for divorces." Gone are the times when marriages used to break because of bad mother-in-laws or father-in laws. In today’s time when couples hardly live with their parents then the question of they being the cause of divorce doesn’t arise. Surprisingly numerous studies reveal that the likelihood of divorce is lower among larger families and greater among smaller ones.

Today’s youth are confused and unsure of their likings or they are not serious enough to make their marriages work. For instance, a girl and boy meet and gradually like each other. Within some time they decide to get married but after tying the knot they realize that they are not compatible with each other so they seek divorce. Nobody thinks to make some adjustments in their lives and in arrange marriages no one waits to even fall in love they just want to seek divorce because the guy or the gal they got married to wasn’t compatible with them.

Any family law mediator or lawyer, who has dealt with a wide variety of couples over a number of years, knows that the divorce decision, howsoever primarily difficult, is in a number of circumstances a positive deed. Staying married under those pressing situations may reflect an inability to pursue what may be in the best interests of oneself, one’s partner, and even one’s children.

The awareness of the concept of living in a healthy and close knit family is the probable solution to lessen the increasing rate of divorce. Surveys and studies should be conducted to infer the exact reasons for breaking down marriages and families.

Even the government of India should try to take up necessary steps to curb the alarming increase in divorce rate and save marriages from breaking up. Like other nations even we need to ensure that the legal process should be less traumatic with proper counselling and guidance sessions on “life after divorce for the separated couples” in India.  

Marriage - Let it not be a tragedy of errors!

I have often asked to friends and acquaintances, why do people marry? And have got responses that range from wild to weird to funny to serious! Below are some of the responses that I have got:

"...they are in love and wish to spend their life with that particular person."

"It is a part of life since the bible days"

"It legally entitles a man to sleep with a woman"

"Men get married for sex! Women get married so they can make money in the divorce"

Now reading the above reasons, I get worried! Except the first, none of the other reasons should be good enough to marry. Lets try to understand the origin of marriage.

If we look at history, the origin of domestic male-female relationships has been based on survival. The species could best survive if the male remained the hunter and the female stayed at home, raised the children and tended the crops, a purely economic arrangement. I of course talk from an era where relationships had begun and we were becoming a civilized society.

Later, the reason continued to be socio-economical - same clan, same caste, same status and some of these traits have continued in India and the rest of the world even today.

Then came the industrial revolution. People made money and started leading a comfortable life. Making a living was relatively easy. Hence, Love replaced obligation as a prelude to marriage. People were expected to fall in love and live happily ever after.

But the society was governed by Puritans. Sex before marriage was taboo, the only way you could have sex without feeling guilty was to get married. Marriage was and continues to be a ceremony of oaths performed before a deity and witnessed by the society with both parties promising to be monogamous for life.

All that has changed since the so-called sexual revolution and the woman's rights movement. Now, the trend preaches sex without guilt, and virginity is no longer esteemed. Today, couples living together sans marriage is quite common.

I have not dwelled on the types of marriages that are prevalent in India and across the globe. The focus here is why marry? The institution even today is a sacrament. The Indian society in particular continues to look down upon divorce, live-ins and to some extent love marriages. The rules of same caste, same status continues to cast shadow even in today's time. When a certain Prince Williams marries a Kate Middleton or Prince Charles married a commoner called Diana, it was against norms and thus became news! The same rules are applied by the Khap Panchayats of Haryana but their decisions are barbaric and illegal!

Whatever may be the reason to get married, many a times the arrangement does not work. Love and lust are confused with each other. Both women & men today make good money and hence financial security cannot be a reason to marry. Concept of live-ins are at least accepted in metros. And today's generation has a "care a damn" attitude towards society.

With all the reasons not to get married, is it still a wonder why millions choose to trade in their freedom for marriage? 

We can state the obvious reasons why Indian couples get married:

• Parental pressure
• Love for a person and wish to spend the life with them (Love marriage)
• Financial Security (India being one of the few countries where men & women both marry for this reason. Men for dowry, women for money/upkeep)
• Wanting to settle down (going the family way)
• Loneliness (For company)

I can only conclude this post by stating, a successful marriage depends on each partner satisfying the needs of the other and being compatible, however it varies from person to person.

Just ensure your marriage does not become a tragedy of errors! :-)